I’ve not breathed life into a post for enjoyment in quite a while. It has been very disappointing, I must say. Between life taking up more time than usual, new relationships, having a baby, and taking on freelance writing jobs for some extra cash, I’ve not written anything for my own pleasure for just shy of a year; this must change. And so, by the power of my own medium sized testicles, I am bringing back my Two Pages a Day writing regimen (yeah, this will last).
So, catch-up time:
I am still with the wonderful and amazing Susan, she’s fantastic, has nice boobies, and is genuinely the best woman on the planet. She’s mine, so hands off. Also, you can be jealous now.
We have a baby now. Her name is Eliya, and she is the best, most amazing, and certainly the most beautiful baby on the planet. Yes, that means that all of your children are now considered grotesque, malformed beast-men when compared to mine. She’s a month and nine days as of today, and is capable of tearing our the hearts of her enemies with her gifts of the mind!
Still been writing my zombie book; I am at about 15,000 words, so am making some decent progress. However, I have not worked on it since about November of last year, so I figure by the time I finally finish the damn thing zombies will have ceased to be mainstream-cool and I will never become a best selling author, but will at least have a small cult following of goth kids with pierced labia.
I have not been doing any writing for my freelance jobs since Eliya was born (and slightly before that) because I have been too busy. But hopefully I will start back into that soon, make a little money, and hopefully will be able to do some updating on this page with that cash (hell, I may even be able to afford a cheap and shitty web-host that will drop my shit from the server every five minutes, but will allow me to bombard you all with advertisements for gay anime tentacle porn).
I have a couple of daddy posts in mind that I look forward to sharing with everyone. They are things to build for babies, and all that shit. I have photos too, which is way cool, it should be helpful for any of you that are dads/expecting/have some ho you banged a year ago show up with a baby that she claims is yours even though it appears to be a different race but you cant afford the paternity test so you just accept the kid even though you’re sure its not yours and eventually it grows up and gets all mad at you and tells you that your not its real father even though you did all the fatherly kind of shit and it breaks the family apart which is really sad because it is just the two of you after the ho got slapped to death by her pimp for giving up a child that could have been trained to be a worker in a drug lab producing more potent forms of cocaine…Wow, that is one awesome run-on sentence.
Lastly, I would like to tell you why I decided to start up on this blog again, and try and get the content rolling out: I was inspired. Lame, right? I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a Slate.com article that a friend of mine posted. The article was highlighting a very wonderfully done comic by zenpencils.com. Zen Pencils is dedicated to adapting inspirational quotes into wonderful comics. Today, the cartoonist behind the page (Gavin Aung Than) posted a comic based on a quote from Bill Watterson (the creator of Calvin and Hobbes – the best comic ever created in this history of the universe). The quote touched me, as did the wonderful Calvin and Hobbes style illustration that Than used for the comic. It reminded me that I enjoyed writing this blog, and my book, and other little fun writing projects like kids stories and shit (Boom! Worked a swear word into a sentence that didn’t need/shouldn’t have one!). I had started focusing a lot on the money I was getting for doing the freelance writing stuff. The money is nice, do not get me wrong, but the content is so blah most of the time, it is damn near impossible for me to get through writing the shit without wanting to throw up with boredom.
And so here I am, getting my writ on in a way I thoroughly enjoy: lots of swearing, nonsensical stories and metaphors, and focusing on mostly nothing with little side-tracks into imagining bouncy titties. This post has flowed out faster and easier than any article I have written in the last year of freelance shit, it has easily been the most enjoyable, and I wont lie, I kind of have a boner right now because I am able to get this writing out so easily (and partially because of the bouncing titty imagery). That’s it, I’m done, we’ll see if this continues tomorrow!
Hey! A beer review! I know it’s not to pages, but deal with it.
I have been following the whole Oatmeal v. FunnyJunk (follow the whole thing HERE) case and the fiasco that has ensued; I have to say, it has been a roller-coaster of stupidity and hilarity. I am a huge fan of TheOatmeal.com; if you’ve not gone, I highly suggest you investigate all of the nooks and crannies of the website. The satire is delicious (much like Sriracha sauce, the whole website is a “Tasty Firestorm” [(TheOatmeal 2012) <-- CITATION!] of amazing fantasticalness!), the humor is intelligent, and the grammar is wonderfully correct.
My point of writing today, however, is not to get too deep into the whole lawsuit or to describe the idiocrity of a certain lawyer (who I will leave unnamed out of fear of a frivolous lawsuit that may be filed against me because he has too much sand in his vagina). Rather, my writing today will only give you a little background of my true intent (which I am not going to tell you just yet because otherwise you may stop reading, and my ego needs more of your reading).
I suggest you visit THIS PAGE to understand how the whole lawsuit began, and why someone (with a sand-filled vagina) threw a sissy-fit. It just seems like such a tiny thing to read and get butt-hurt about, does it not? If I were to send that letter to someone, and they came back with a retort such as that, I would probably donate to the charity drive, pat him on the back, and say something along the lines of, “dude, you burned me good! Sorry for letting my bag leak and getting Summer’s Eve on you.” But it was not me getting railed by satirical humor and drawings of Bear-Love; and so it began.
In the end, apparently Matthew Inman was prepared to donate money to more than the two charities listed in the original post (see the update HERE), which is also awesome of him. Sadly, because of Sandy-Vagina, the additional charities are not going to see any of the money from “Operation Bearlove Good, Cancer Bad” (as Inman dubbed it). On the flip-side, though, LUCKILY someone has started another charity (on the same fundraising site that Inman used) for two other charities in the spirit of Operation BearLove Good, Cancer Bad! So, yes, that is why I am posing. I want to promote this charity and hopefully get some funding today to go to these other charities. Without further delay, here is the link:
I don’t know what else I would write after this, perhaps a call for people to promise me some pro bono lawyering work for me if Sandy-Vagina sues me for defamation? I don’t think I have much to worry about, but you never know…I did just call someone school-yard names, that may hurt feelings…Of course, if we want to talk about name calling, and offensive satirical content, we should probably talk about some of the content available on the site Sandy-Vagina and their partner run; some of the content could be described as “near pornographic” yet I do not see, as far as I have investigated, an adult content warning/age verification page to protect children from viewing this sensitive material…Hmmm, I think someone needs to investigate that.
Another thing I realized about said website was the liberal use of stills from a number of feature films. Isn’t that copyright infringement unless you have acquired permission to use them? For some reason, I have this feeling that these stills are not being used legally, it is just a feeling, not a fact, I am only stating an opinion because I honestly do not know, I am just bringing it up as a question because I would genuinely like to have that information (does that cover my ass well enough?).
I just seems to me that someone who practices law in an area about digital rights and copyright laws would be a little more careful about the usage of copyright materials. Just another thought, you know? I am not saying that I don’t link to photos, and yes, I’m totally a hypocrite; but I just wanted to point that out.
Okay, I think I’m done. Point of this post is some people suck, some people are filled with douche, and others are awesome and make bitch’n fundraisers for good causes; so go make donations.
Do you truly know yourself? I mean right now, at this very moment, if you look at what you are doing, reading this, are you in your office? Perusing on a bus on your phone? Taking a shit with your iPad? Are you truly being yourself as you do this, are you who you are when you look inside, is this your true nature? Or are you just displaying yourself as something else, just through your mannerisms and the like?
Probably, the only person being perfectly true to their self (out of this selection), is the one reading this on the shitter. Think about it. If you were sitting in a public place, reading these words, and something written here tickled you and make you want to laugh. Would you laugh? Let’s try it: A duck walks into a bar and says to the barkeep, “Hey, fuck-ass, get me a beer”. Not that funny, but it made you giggle a little on the inside, surely (at least it made me titter when I wrote it down). If you’re in public, if it tickled you, did you just keep it all inside for fear that it might bring attention to you from those around you? Are you, then, being who you would be if you were at home, taking a dump, with the door closed and no one else in the house? If you were dropping a deuce, and no fear of judgement, would that have made you titter out loud a little?
I only bring this up, because we are all very good and pretending to be who we want others to think we are. But when we get home, we are able to be hidden again, hiding behind the mask of walls that we have closed around ourselves when the door latches. We think, “no one can see me here” and we shove our hand down our pants or finger up our noses. Given a mask, we will do and say what ever we truly believe, we will give into our desires that we would otherwise hide. Why is it, do you think, that more crime happens at night? If we can hide ourselves in the darkness, we may be cloaked against those who would find out that theft is in our hearts.
I am not sure where I was gong to be going with this whole idea, I just wanted to bring it up and plant it into your minds. I found it an interesting thought. What would we do if we were unmasked? When you went to work, what if everyone knew that when you got home every day, when you were protected by your walls, and you pulled off your mask to be who you really are, that you were responsible for the murders of fourteen innocent people? What if when you were away from your shelter, and your mask was no longer hiding you, who would you be? If you were this murderer, would you attempt to murder your co-workers as to stop anyone who had seen under your mask? Would you try and strap your mask back to your face so they may be tricked once again? Or would you just run?
I would like to say that I were an exception to mask wearing, but I am not. When at work, I am still similar to myself in private. I wear a mask that looks most like me, but the features tend to be less defined. When in private, the mask comes off, and I still look how the world sees me, but the features, the things that define this face so well are more crisp, and in some ways more harsh. I swear more, and I am more open with the debaucherous things that may enter my mind. My appetites for food and drink, where they are not something that I hide while in the public eye, are probably more intense than lead on. I don’t know. I am surely still myself in my mask, but my persona is surely more extreme than the mask would let on.
I know that I have painted myself as a bad person there, or at least it sounds that way to me. But I do not believe myself to be. I do not engage in activities that are illegal, I do not hurt people, and I do not abuse my relationships. I just am a little more…open about things in my personal life than my public life.
I love the thought of our masks. But really, why do we wear them when, like me, the person under the mask is not doing anything wrong or illegal? I think it is because of societies biases and judgements. According to societal norms, the man under my mask is an alcoholic. I will admit to the fact that I drink a lot, but my drinking has not hindered my personal life, my work life, or my relationships. So why is that man have to wear the mask?
You know, I was going to keep on with this tirade about making our masks and hiding behind them, but I’m bored with the subject now. I am sick of it, because I think that I have reached my end when it comes to the mask.
However, there is a way to get under my mask a little. And I am going to tell you how to do that through selfish plugging of our album. Yes, once again, I am going to tell you to go buy our album. And, there is some free content that you can find on our soundcloud account for download. If you don’t want to download the free stuff, you can check it out on our Youtube. Just check out all the links below.
I am kind of weird. No, really, I am serious. I really am weird. Why do you keep arguing with me! Just take my word for it, I am super fucking weird. Okay, you want proof? Here:
Happy? Now you have awesome proof that I am not only weird, but that I like to play with not only my food, but my candy as well. I just can’t help myself, I like being an incredible dork (in this instance, the word incredible is not an adjective acting on the word “dork” to describe the level of dorkness; it is instead acting on me, I am both incredible and a dork).
Anyway, I digress. I want to show you all something awesome. I have four different blogs, and what is great about having all these blogs, is all the spam comments. Usually they are just annoying advertisements for porn and viagra. Really, they are all for that, however from time to time you get one that does this in an interesting and fun way. So here we are, this is my favorite spam comment yet:
Isn’t that just happy as fuck!?! I have never gotten one phrased like this. Usually when you get these comments they say something like, “Click here to purchase inexpensive Viagra!” But this one is so awesome. Just so polite and stuff. I would liken it to a religious solicitor coming to my door and saying, “hi, I really like the color you’ve painted your house. I am hoping to paint our church soon, you know, the church of [insert favorite religious organization here], and think that this color would really work for us.” It just really makes me happy, I have to say.
I do have a few complaints about the spam stuff though. Because, let’s be honest, who in the hell actually falls for this kind of advertising. Even ninety year old men with Alzheimer’s disease wouldn’t fall for this shit. Who was the genius who came up with spam as a form of advertising? Sure, it worked for I think the first six months of the internet. But the net has been around for a good long time now and we’ve caught on to the wiles of Mr. Spam. I think it is time to kill that as an advertising scheme, it just doesn’t work anymore.
Sorry to go off on a rant like that, but I saw that comment and thought it was both the most hilarious and the most annoying thing in the world. It is kind of like Jim Carey. Ohhh, that was mean, wasn’t it. I bet a few of you got offended on that one, well guess what? You’re only upset because you know I’m right. Mr. Carey can play some pretty awesome characters, and he can play them quite well. When he plays these characters, he is absolutely hilarious. But then he plays the Grinch and makes you want to stab your eyes out and put M-80′s in your hears so you never have to see or hear that fucking movie again.
Phew. Okay, I think all the hate may be out of my system now. Though one can never be too sure on things of this natures. I mean, come one, we all know that fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to drinking a lot of beer and then getting in a fight with your best friend only to buy him another beer after you are done beating the shit out of each other…wait…that’s only if you’re Irish.
I have a feeling that this whole post today is just going to be me bagging on stuff beause it annoys or pisses me off. Prepare for another example!
I saw a guy sitting in a bus station in front of the dorms yesterday. I was on my way to the store, I needed to pick up a connector for my Mac to hook it up to my 42 inch TV…but it didn’t work ’cause it is a festering bag of cunts and I’m just going to tell it to go eat a dick since it is such a mother fucker. Sorry, there I go again, right in the middle of a story, getting all side tracked and talking about things that have nothing to do with the story at all. Kind of like the dad in the movie Big Fish. He doesn’t tell the stories straight though, that would be boring. Instead he takes little paths that branch off of the main story. A lot like a river, you may have little tributaries that come in from other places to feed the main river. It really makes the river more interesting because of all the places the water came from. Okay now that I have gone off on another path for a long time just to make this little joke, I will get back to the main story. So there was a guy sitting in a bus station in front of the Wallace dorms yesterday. He looked like your typical college student, and for sure he was mostly normal. Or at least that was what I would have thought.
The gentleman in question was wearing a pretty normal tee shirt. I do recall him wearing shorts. I did not see what was protecting his feet from the dangers one might find on the sidewalks, or the stickiness of a bus floor. His hair was a little wild, but let us be honest here, that is pretty standard for a male in college. What was weird about this good sir, was that he was smoking a hookah in the bus stop. Really? You’re going to sit in the bus stop and smoke a hookah? I don’t have anything else I can say about it. I just am completely speechless. A hookah. In a bus stop. Why? That is one step more lame than those guys who know two chords on their guitar so they sit under a tree on the admin lawn and play. I…I just…I just don’t know.
Hello again world. What have you been doing? Same thing as always? That is nice, I am glad to hear that you are doing so well. Why yes, I know it has been a while since we have talked. Me? What am I doing? To be perfectly honest, I have been both busy and not busy at all. Since we last talked I have been doing most of the same stuff I always do, but hey, there have been some special things happening as well. Let me tell you about them.
First of all, Mikey has a lady-friend. I know that I have had lots of lady-friends, but this one is all relationshipness and stuff. It is pretty nice (the relationship, I mean, I promise that I don’t call her “it”, I am not that much of a misogynistic asshole). She is pretty chill and a lot of fun to be around. And that is all I’m going to say because one, it is all I feel like saying on the subject; and two, I don’t want her to feel all embarrassed and stuff when she reads this.
I have not been sticking with my daily bike rides, sadly. This has been largely due to the Idaho weather; you know what I mean: crazy as fuck. The other thing that has been holding me back on the bike rides is the fact that I’m a lazy bitch. Luckily when I do go out for a ride, I will almost always hit at least six to eight miles. I really like the longer rides though, I have had a few that go about sixteen miles and they are nice.
The drinking has not slowed, it has increased again, but I am working on that. We’ll see how well that works. If I am able to get my ass out of the house and go on the bike rides that I have been wanting, then I wont have as much time to lay around and drink. This should be the cure to the drinkitude. But we’ll see.
Speaking of getting out of the house, it is a lot harder now days. This is mostly due to the fact that I bought myself a forty-two inch LCD high definition television. It is fantastic. To go with my lovely idiot’s lantern, I purchased a network-capable bluray player. I am so in love with the high definition, it is so wonderfully crisp and the colors are wonderful. I cannot wait to get my stuff into the new apartment come June, I feel that things will be even more glorious at my house.
I am still doing the photography thing, I have been enjoying that, but I have not made it out to take any pictures recently. I really need to do that. I just have been feeling a little uninspired on the subject matter for photos. I still get little ideas for photos that I want to do, and therefore I do them. However, the content on my photoblog has certainly slowed down as of late. I still have a few ideas for shoots that I want to do this summer once it is consistently warm and I have a few more important pieces of equipment needed to do those photos. Everything is blooming at this time as well, and that is a little exciting. I should get my ass out there and take some more photos of all the wonderful flowers that are sprouting up out of nowhere.
Probably the most exciting thing (other than relationshipness) that has happened since my last posting is this: Oh, what is this iTunes button here? Well, tyler and I have finally finished the rap album. We are also already working on a few songs for a second album. I visited him last month and we plowed through a few more songs and redid some of the vocals for a couple of the songs we had already done. It was a lot of fun and I am so happy we were able to produce and album for sale. There is only one thing that is driving me nuts about the album. We wont know any of the sales data till mid-June more than likely. This is very annoying to me. I really wanted us to be able to watch as the numbers grew (that is if we’ve sold any albums at all). It is not about how much money we make, we just want to see how many people are interested in the music and see if they like it at all. If we’re able to make back the money that we put into getting the album distributed, then for sure there will be a follow-up album. If we don’t make the money back…well, there probably will still be a follow-up album. We enjoyed making the music so much that I don’t think there is any chance that we wont make another album. The album is for sale on iTunes, but is also available on AmazonMP3 and Spotify.
If you want to get an idea of what the music sounds like, check out our music video:
It is just us hanging out, goofing off, doing what we do, and of course, footage from us making the album.
So yeah. That is what is up in the life of Mikey. I have been enjoying my life, doing fun things, and loving every single bit of it. I hope everyone else is enjoying life as much as I am right now. Have a good one y’all.
I really hope people read the title of this post as if it were an advertisement for a monster truck rally; you know, “SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!!”
If you didn’t read the title like that, or at least go back and re-read it in that voice, then I don’t think that we can be friends anymore. Well…Maybe we still can be friends, but it all depends on whether or not you’re willing to do some really awesome stuff with Oreos, cream-cheese, and pudding (yes, I’m talking about making a really bitch’n pie).
I guess I should give an update of what I have been up to: Nothing. Okay, not really nothing. I have been sick and getting fat. No, really, I’m being serious. I was down to two-hundred twenty-five pounds, it was glorious! Now, however, I am back up to two-hundred forty pounds, total suck-fest. I shall be working on this, however, because I bought myself a bike early last month and have just been waiting for the weather to start cooperating with my desire to ride.
Also, recently (mostly because of being sick), I have cut down on the drinking. For a while there it was the routine of come home, crack open beer, plant ass on couch. Now it is come home, plant ass on couch. See the difference? I still drink, of course, I mean seriously, it is me after all! I love myself the beer, I really do, but I also love my liver (kind of) and therefore want to not completely destroy it. I am hoping that I can continue to steer clear of the excessive alcohol consumption and begin filling that drinking time with some good old-fashioned exercise.
On top of the lessened drinkitude and the exercise, I have (not so much in the last week or so from sickness) begun taking a lot of pictures. You know me, I do love my photo-taking, and so I have tried to do more and more of this. I have a good three photo-shoots in mind for the summer and am really excited for them. I am hoping that I will be able to have a good number of photo opportunities over the summer months this year.
The biggest news in the life of Mikey, however, is that I am finally going to move out of the spider infested dungeon! Oh yes, no more dark. No more dank. No more creepy-crawlies. No more wood paneled walls! In June, I will be moving into my new apartment, it has white walls. Let me repeat that for effect: IT HAS WHITE MOTHER FUCKING WALLS BITCHES! I am a little excited about it. On top of having white walls, the place also has a full-sized refrigerator, a dishwasher (the machine, not the woman), and a BATH TUB! Holy poo-slinging-monkey-fun; I can take a bath again! I don’t know if people understand how awesome it is to just have the option of tubbing. When I had a bathtub, I barely ever took a bath, I still always took showers; it is just how I am. When I moved into a place with just a shower-stall, I didn’t think that it would be a big deal at all. I figured, “hey, I never really take baths anyway, so it doesn’t matter that this place has a shower only.” That was a mistake. The next few places only had showers as well, I again figured it was no big deal. Now, however, I am ready to come home from a long bike ride, have a quick shower (to be clean), and have a nice hot soak in the tub to ease my sore muscles. Oh yes, I am quite excited for this. Bubble bath like a mother-fucker!
Anyway, That is what I have been up to. Just doing that stuff up there. I am really having a lot of fun with the new camera, and have taken what I believe to be a few good shots. I have started a blog for the photos. You can check it out HERE if you would like to see what I’ve been shooting. I want to say, I am not a professional photographer. I think I mentioned that in my last post here and I know for a fact that I mentioned it a couple of times on the photoblog. I do think that I took some good photos though, and wanted to share them. It may sound a little pretentious (totally my favorite English word, by the way) but most of the photos on there are available as prints. I set up a store on imagekind.com, and set a very minimal mark-up so that the prints wouldn’t be horribly expensive if anyone actually wanted to buy one. It isn’t about the money at all, that is just an extra bonus. I would still take and post the pictures to the blog no matter what, but I figured eventually I may take something good enough that someone would want it hung on their wall. Having the store set up just takes all the hassle out of me organizing the printing and delivery of prints.
Okay, I’m out of stuff to say. So I guess it is time to wrap this crap up: Gained weight. Bought bicycle. Going to ride for exercise as well as do normal work-out stuff. Will lose weight. Slowed drinking. Moving. Will have a bathtub. Life is looking pretty sweet. Taking lots of photos. Made a blog for photography. Selling the shit. Have a hard-on for life. Yeah, that all sums it up pretty damn well into a nice little package, eh?
I know that I am about half a page away from the two page goal, but I am going to say screw-it at this point and get off of here. My lunch break is about over and I think I should probably go take a leak or play with my giblets or something before I have to get back to things. Laters.