Day 635 – Zombie Candy, Spam and Hookahs
I am kind of weird. No, really, I am serious. I really am weird. Why do you keep arguing with me! Just take my word for it, I am super fucking weird. Okay, you want proof? Here:
Happy? Now you have awesome proof that I am not only weird, but that I like to play with not only my food, but my candy as well. I just can’t help myself, I like being an incredible dork (in this instance, the word incredible is not an adjective acting on the word “dork” to describe the level of dorkness; it is instead acting on me, I am both incredible and a dork).
Anyway, I digress. I want to show you all something awesome. I have four different blogs, and what is great about having all these blogs, is all the spam comments. Usually they are just annoying advertisements for porn and viagra. Really, they are all for that, however from time to time you get one that does this in an interesting and fun way. So here we are, this is my favorite spam comment yet:
Isn’t that just happy as fuck!?! I have never gotten one phrased like this. Usually when you get these comments they say something like, “Click here to purchase inexpensive Viagra!” But this one is so awesome. Just so polite and stuff. I would liken it to a religious solicitor coming to my door and saying, “hi, I really like the color you’ve painted your house. I am hoping to paint our church soon, you know, the church of [insert favorite religious organization here], and think that this color would really work for us.” It just really makes me happy, I have to say.
I do have a few complaints about the spam stuff though. Because, let’s be honest, who in the hell actually falls for this kind of advertising. Even ninety year old men with Alzheimer’s disease wouldn’t fall for this shit. Who was the genius who came up with spam as a form of advertising? Sure, it worked for I think the first six months of the internet. But the net has been around for a good long time now and we’ve caught on to the wiles of Mr. Spam. I think it is time to kill that as an advertising scheme, it just doesn’t work anymore.
Sorry to go off on a rant like that, but I saw that comment and thought it was both the most hilarious and the most annoying thing in the world. It is kind of like Jim Carey. Ohhh, that was mean, wasn’t it. I bet a few of you got offended on that one, well guess what? You’re only upset because you know I’m right. Mr. Carey can play some pretty awesome characters, and he can play them quite well. When he plays these characters, he is absolutely hilarious. But then he plays the Grinch and makes you want to stab your eyes out and put M-80′s in your hears so you never have to see or hear that fucking movie again.
Phew. Okay, I think all the hate may be out of my system now. Though one can never be too sure on things of this natures. I mean, come one, we all know that fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to drinking a lot of beer and then getting in a fight with your best friend only to buy him another beer after you are done beating the shit out of each other…wait…that’s only if you’re Irish.
I have a feeling that this whole post today is just going to be me bagging on stuff beause it annoys or pisses me off. Prepare for another example!
I saw a guy sitting in a bus station in front of the dorms yesterday. I was on my way to the store, I needed to pick up a connector for my Mac to hook it up to my 42 inch TV…but it didn’t work ’cause it is a festering bag of cunts and I’m just going to tell it to go eat a dick since it is such a mother fucker. Sorry, there I go again, right in the middle of a story, getting all side tracked and talking about things that have nothing to do with the story at all. Kind of like the dad in the movie Big Fish. He doesn’t tell the stories straight though, that would be boring. Instead he takes little paths that branch off of the main story. A lot like a river, you may have little tributaries that come in from other places to feed the main river. It really makes the river more interesting because of all the places the water came from. Okay now that I have gone off on another path for a long time just to make this little joke, I will get back to the main story. So there was a guy sitting in a bus station in front of the Wallace dorms yesterday. He looked like your typical college student, and for sure he was mostly normal. Or at least that was what I would have thought.
The gentleman in question was wearing a pretty normal tee shirt. I do recall him wearing shorts. I did not see what was protecting his feet from the dangers one might find on the sidewalks, or the stickiness of a bus floor. His hair was a little wild, but let us be honest here, that is pretty standard for a male in college. What was weird about this good sir, was that he was smoking a hookah in the bus stop. Really? You’re going to sit in the bus stop and smoke a hookah? I don’t have anything else I can say about it. I just am completely speechless. A hookah. In a bus stop. Why? That is one step more lame than those guys who know two chords on their guitar so they sit under a tree on the admin lawn and play. I…I just…I just don’t know.
By the way, this is the only thing that has ever looked cool while smoking a hookah.
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Day 634 – Selfless Plug
Hello again world. What have you been doing? Same thing as always? That is nice, I am glad to hear that you are doing so well. Why yes, I know it has been a while since we have talked. Me? What am I doing? To be perfectly honest, I have been both busy and not busy at all. Since we last talked I have been doing most of the same stuff I always do, but hey, there have been some special things happening as well. Let me tell you about them.
First of all, Mikey has a lady-friend. I know that I have had lots of lady-friends, but this one is all relationshipness and stuff. It is pretty nice (the relationship, I mean, I promise that I don’t call her “it”, I am not that much of a misogynistic asshole). She is pretty chill and a lot of fun to be around. And that is all I’m going to say because one, it is all I feel like saying on the subject; and two, I don’t want her to feel all embarrassed and stuff when she reads this.
I have not been sticking with my daily bike rides, sadly. This has been largely due to the Idaho weather; you know what I mean: crazy as fuck. The other thing that has been holding me back on the bike rides is the fact that I’m a lazy bitch. Luckily when I do go out for a ride, I will almost always hit at least six to eight miles. I really like the longer rides though, I have had a few that go about sixteen miles and they are nice.
The drinking has not slowed, it has increased again, but I am working on that. We’ll see how well that works. If I am able to get my ass out of the house and go on the bike rides that I have been wanting, then I wont have as much time to lay around and drink. This should be the cure to the drinkitude. But we’ll see.
Speaking of getting out of the house, it is a lot harder now days. This is mostly due to the fact that I bought myself a forty-two inch LCD high definition television. It is fantastic. To go with my lovely idiot’s lantern, I purchased a network-capable bluray player. I am so in love with the high definition, it is so wonderfully crisp and the colors are wonderful. I cannot wait to get my stuff into the new apartment come June, I feel that things will be even more glorious at my house.
I am still doing the photography thing, I have been enjoying that, but I have not made it out to take any pictures recently. I really need to do that. I just have been feeling a little uninspired on the subject matter for photos. I still get little ideas for photos that I want to do, and therefore I do them. However, the content on my photoblog has certainly slowed down as of late. I still have a few ideas for shoots that I want to do this summer once it is consistently warm and I have a few more important pieces of equipment needed to do those photos. Everything is blooming at this time as well, and that is a little exciting. I should get my ass out there and take some more photos of all the wonderful flowers that are sprouting up out of nowhere.
Probably the most exciting thing (other than relationshipness) that has happened since my last posting is this: 
Oh, what is this iTunes button here? Well, tyler and I have finally finished the rap album. We are also already working on a few songs for a second album. I visited him last month and we plowed through a few more songs and redid some of the vocals for a couple of the songs we had already done. It was a lot of fun and I am so happy we were able to produce and album for sale. There is only one thing that is driving me nuts about the album. We wont know any of the sales data till mid-June more than likely. This is very annoying to me. I really wanted us to be able to watch as the numbers grew (that is if we’ve sold any albums at all). It is not about how much money we make, we just want to see how many people are interested in the music and see if they like it at all. If we’re able to make back the money that we put into getting the album distributed, then for sure there will be a follow-up album. If we don’t make the money back…well, there probably will still be a follow-up album. We enjoyed making the music so much that I don’t think there is any chance that we wont make another album. The album is for sale on iTunes, but is also available on AmazonMP3 and Spotify.
If you want to get an idea of what the music sounds like, check out our music video:
It is just us hanging out, goofing off, doing what we do, and of course, footage from us making the album.
So yeah. That is what is up in the life of Mikey. I have been enjoying my life, doing fun things, and loving every single bit of it. I hope everyone else is enjoying life as much as I am right now. Have a good one y’all.
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Day 593 – CONTENT! CONTENT! CONTENT!
I really hope people read the title of this post as if it were an advertisement for a monster truck rally; you know, “SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!!”
If you didn’t read the title like that, or at least go back and re-read it in that voice, then I don’t think that we can be friends anymore. Well…Maybe we still can be friends, but it all depends on whether or not you’re willing to do some really awesome stuff with Oreos, cream-cheese, and pudding (yes, I’m talking about making a really bitch’n pie).
I guess I should give an update of what I have been up to: Nothing. Okay, not really nothing. I have been sick and getting fat. No, really, I’m being serious. I was down to two-hundred twenty-five pounds, it was glorious! Now, however, I am back up to two-hundred forty pounds, total suck-fest. I shall be working on this, however, because I bought myself a bike early last month and have just been waiting for the weather to start cooperating with my desire to ride.
Also, recently (mostly because of being sick), I have cut down on the drinking. For a while there it was the routine of come home, crack open beer, plant ass on couch. Now it is come home, plant ass on couch. See the difference? I still drink, of course, I mean seriously, it is me after all! I love myself the beer, I really do, but I also love my liver (kind of) and therefore want to not completely destroy it. I am hoping that I can continue to steer clear of the excessive alcohol consumption and begin filling that drinking time with some good old-fashioned exercise.
On top of the lessened drinkitude and the exercise, I have (not so much in the last week or so from sickness) begun taking a lot of pictures. You know me, I do love my photo-taking, and so I have tried to do more and more of this. I have a good three photo-shoots in mind for the summer and am really excited for them. I am hoping that I will be able to have a good number of photo opportunities over the summer months this year.
The biggest news in the life of Mikey, however, is that I am finally going to move out of the spider infested dungeon! Oh yes, no more dark. No more dank. No more creepy-crawlies. No more wood paneled walls! In June, I will be moving into my new apartment, it has white walls. Let me repeat that for effect: IT HAS WHITE MOTHER FUCKING WALLS BITCHES! I am a little excited about it. On top of having white walls, the place also has a full-sized refrigerator, a dishwasher (the machine, not the woman), and a BATH TUB! Holy poo-slinging-monkey-fun; I can take a bath again! I don’t know if people understand how awesome it is to just have the option of tubbing. When I had a bathtub, I barely ever took a bath, I still always took showers; it is just how I am. When I moved into a place with just a shower-stall, I didn’t think that it would be a big deal at all. I figured, “hey, I never really take baths anyway, so it doesn’t matter that this place has a shower only.” That was a mistake. The next few places only had showers as well, I again figured it was no big deal. Now, however, I am ready to come home from a long bike ride, have a quick shower (to be clean), and have a nice hot soak in the tub to ease my sore muscles. Oh yes, I am quite excited for this. Bubble bath like a mother-fucker!
Anyway, That is what I have been up to. Just doing that stuff up there. I am really having a lot of fun with the new camera, and have taken what I believe to be a few good shots. I have started a blog for the photos. You can check it out HERE if you would like to see what I’ve been shooting. I want to say, I am not a professional photographer. I think I mentioned that in my last post here and I know for a fact that I mentioned it a couple of times on the photoblog. I do think that I took some good photos though, and wanted to share them. It may sound a little pretentious (totally my favorite English word, by the way) but most of the photos on there are available as prints. I set up a store on imagekind.com, and set a very minimal mark-up so that the prints wouldn’t be horribly expensive if anyone actually wanted to buy one. It isn’t about the money at all, that is just an extra bonus. I would still take and post the pictures to the blog no matter what, but I figured eventually I may take something good enough that someone would want it hung on their wall. Having the store set up just takes all the hassle out of me organizing the printing and delivery of prints.
Okay, I’m out of stuff to say. So I guess it is time to wrap this crap up: Gained weight. Bought bicycle. Going to ride for exercise as well as do normal work-out stuff. Will lose weight. Slowed drinking. Moving. Will have a bathtub. Life is looking pretty sweet. Taking lots of photos. Made a blog for photography. Selling the shit. Have a hard-on for life. Yeah, that all sums it up pretty damn well into a nice little package, eh?
I know that I am about half a page away from the two page goal, but I am going to say screw-it at this point and get off of here. My lunch break is about over and I think I should probably go take a leak or play with my giblets or something before I have to get back to things. Laters.
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Day 569 – Majestic Poundcake, and Worthless Writing
I wrote the following post yesterday, but then never posted it because I got too busy to do so. Before you go and read the shitty drivel below, I suggest you just skip it, the writing really isn’t worth it. Instead, I suggest you watch the video embedded just above the blog post. This is Majestic Poundcake, and more than well worth the watching. I was privileged with having my music featured in the video. If you liked the video, you should check out www.TrueNuff.com there is a shit-load of good content there.
Okay, now time for some shitty rambling:
Holy crap, it is a three day weekend! Well, it was for me at least. I wish that the weekend wasn’t pretty much over already, but what are you gonna do, right? So, yes, it is Monday now and the weekend is just about over but it has been a good one. Today is going to be dedicated to getting some laundry done, and if you have been following my blog for long enough you already know that laundry typically equals a blog post. That’s nice, eh?
Although it does seem that I have been just lazy and the like, I can promise you that I have been quite busy, in reality. I have been working a little more at my place of employment for starters. This is because I finally got my promotion and now have an actual job description to work off of. On top of the whole actual job thing, I have been doing a little bit of music making, a little sketching (but not much) and a lot of photo-taking. I know I have posted about it recently (at least I think I have…) but I have gotten really into photography recently. On Saturday this week I was finally able to purchase the camera I have been wanting. It is not the top of the line, but it is also not the bottom of the barrel (or at least that is what the reviews say). I would assume from the reviews that I read that my purchase is a sound one and from what I know of the brand anyway, I am sure that my purchase is a good one.
The camera I bought is the Nikon D3100. I have been taking a lot of photos with a friend’s Nikon D30X and have loved it. It took me a few days to get used to focusing on my own (i.e. without using autofocus; I really wanted to learn to do it by hand) but once I got that down my pictures started turning out pretty nice. I also experimented a little with a variety of apertures and shutter speeds. I really did enjoy taking night photos with the shutter open for around thirty seconds and the aperture set to a miniscule opening, the effect was kind of cool.
Anyway, because of the whole new-found ability to take photographs, and the new camera on its way in the mail, I am going to start another new blog. I know, crazy shit right? I already have three of these damn things and I barely use any of them at all. But hey, I figure that I am going to be taking a lot of photos, and I already share them quite a bit on Facebook…So why not add a nice water-mark and then post them up on a blog where they may be shared a little better, right? Anyway, that is what I’m going to be doing soon. I would start creating the blog right now, but sadly the wireless at the laundromat is being a little bitch and having an RSSI of -75 to -80 (which means you might as well not even be fucking connected).
I am going to attempt to get the logos and shit for the blog created tonight or tomorrow and register the thing along side the rest of my blogs here on WordPress. I will start uploading one picture a day at first but as I start eating through my back-stock of photos I’ve already taken, you will see a slowing in the content on that site just like the rest of these blogs.
I hope that one of the few ladies I have/will have taken photos of will allow me to post some of my favorite shots from our shoots. Thus far I have done one shoot and where as there are a few photos that I think are pretty good, most of the four-hundred-plus photos we took at the shoot were pretty much worthless. The reason the photos were so worthless from that shoot was because of lighting. I was still uncomfortable taking shots at different apertures and such and therefore was using the auto-settings on the camera (except for focus, I still focused manually). Since I was using the auto-settings on the camera it would refuse to take some photos because the lighting was so dim and this caused me to miss some of the best shots of the night; it was highly unfortunate. I am hoping that the next time I do a shoot, I will be able to set up a better lighting arrangement, the next shoot I will be doing with in the next two or three weeks (this all depends on when my camera gets here in the mail and coordinating schedules with the model). I am really excited for this next shoot because the model had a great idea for the style of the photos, I hope it works out the way we envision it.
I don’t really have anything else to say today. I am mostly just stoked about my camera and my chances to take some cool photos. I know that I am not, nor am I probably ever going to be (or even trying to be) a professional photographer. This is a hobby, it is something that I just enjoy doing and that is probably as far as it will ever go. I am okay with that, really I’m pretty damn happy about it. If this were to ever become something I did professionally, I have a feeling that it would get a little frustrating to be honest.
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Day 549 – What the Fuck Happend to the Toilet Paper?
I’m going to rant now, once again, about my favorite thing to rant about. The toilet of course. By “the toilet” I mean, the bathroom. What I want to talk to you about today is proper toilet paper consumption. I am a man, I only have to wipe when I drop a deuce, I get this. I also get that women have to wipe every time that they use the bathroom, totally okay; I understand that you have to wrap up that tampon or pad in something, but that bitch can’t be dripping uterus so much that you need half a fucking roll. So really ladies, what the fuck are you doing in there that needs so mother fucking much toilet paper!?!
I use very little toilet paper. I buy a twelve pack of the stuff and it will last me six fucking months! SIX MONTHS!!! Yes, it really will. When I moved into this apartment, I bought a twenty-four pack, and that shit was still half full six months later when a woman came (back) into my life! Of course then it disappeared like there were gnomes stealing it to make a paper mâché village.
Anyway, because I have not gotten an answer from women prior to making this post, at least I haven’t gotten one that isn’t, “Well we have to wipe every time” (or some variation thereof, and it is bullshit that you use that much even though you use it every time as well as the fact that you are not giving any explaination of why you use so damn fucking much ever time!), I am going to do a little speculation in this here post about what women do to use so much fucking ass-wipe (or in the ladies cases, ass- and pussy-wipe). Okay, lets do this.
Scenario number one: They’re eating it (And I imagine they do it like in Coneheads)
Yeah, I think they go in there, they start draining their bladder and they get a little peckish in there. What is there to eat? Well, cotton-swabs are a little too chewy, and honestly to get your daily intake of fiber, they just aren’t going to do the trick. Toothpaste? It may be tasty, but then you’re going to taste like toothpaste and that is going to be conspicuous. I know at least in my bathroom that the cotton balls are too far from the toilet to get while you’re sitting there, so that is out of the question for mid-evactuation snacking. What is left then? Ahhhh, toilet paper. That will work. Good amount of fiber in there, probably low calorie, and it has no flavor (’cause honestly, who buys scented ass-wipe) so it wont be conspicuous at all. So yeah. They might eat it in there…
Scenario number two: The Gnomes.
Like I said before, maybe there are Ass-Wipe Gnomes that come through and steal your toilet paper to build paper-mâché homes in their mystical world. But why then does the toilet paper only disappear when the ladies are around. That is a pretty big hole in the theory, that is unless women have a magical flute that summons the gnomes so that they know it is safe to steal the shit-paper like the little thieving bastards they are. But we would probably hear the flute, right? Wrong again. How many of you men have heard the women turn the water on in the bathroom when they go to pee and you giggle to yourself because you think it is so cute that they are so shy about peeing? All of you, right!?! That is how they cover up the light and quiet tune that brings out the gnomes…
Scenario number three: They are planning for Halloween (and they’re thieves).
Yeah, this may be the answer as well. What if your lady-friends all know that they have to figure out something for halloween, but they just don’t know what “sexy” adaptation of a mundane thing they are going to be this year. What is an easy costume they can make sexy, that is really cheap? Sexy-mummy. Ohh yes, this could be it my friends. You’re sweet little friend, that one you think is such a nice girl, she is stealing your toilet paper so she can make a last minute sexy-mummy costume that she will wear on Halloween. Not only is she really not creative at all, but she is a thieving bitch that is stealing your toilet paper so she can just have it ripped off of her by some asshole frat boy while you’re stuck in the friend-zone with her overweight friend with back acne. You should kill that thieving mummy bitch…(if you are actually thinking about killing your thieving mummy bitch friend and blaming me; might I recommend you read the disclaimer)
Scenario number four: The scary truth.
Yeah, here comes the frightening truth. Your female friends don’t know how to properly wipe themselves. Isn’t that scary? It is to me. I keep thinking, how is it that hard to wipe off an ass or a pussy? It isn’t rocket science! Did someone just not tell them how absorbent toilet paper is? That would explain it I think. I feel pretty moist in that area after I peed…I probably need a lot of paper…is what they must be thinking.
I have to tell you, ladies, you don’t need that much paper. You really don’t. Your ass isn’t as big as you think, and I have seen a lot of vaginas in my day, I can’t say that I’ve ever seen one that would need more than four or so squares of toilet paper to wipe. Now, I know what some of you ladies are thinking right now, you’re thinking but Mike, my hands will get pee on them. Yeah, they probably will. But you know what, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!! Oh my lord, what a novel idea!
Now you’re searching for a new excuse, right? You’re probably going to bring up the whole period thing, okay, that is fine. So, you’re on your period, need a little extra toilet paper to clean up down there and to wrap things up before tossing them in the trash. Okay, I’m okay with the period thing. But what about the other three fucking weeks in a month?
Okay, I am done ranting at you now. All I want to say, is use less toilet paper. Crumpling up a giant wad of paper is not a solution to wiping. That is just a waste. Take a couple sheets, and fold them so they’re thick enough to keep you from getting crap on your fingers. Look at that, less toilet paper, more wiping surface. Like I said, it isn’t rocket science.
P.S. If my toilet paper keeps disappearing from the bathroom so fast, I’m just going to start hiding it and you can bring your own fucking paper.
Day 543 – SloganMaker
Hello my lovely peoples. I don’t know if you have been there before, but I highly suggest that you check out sloganmaker.com This website is truly fun. I sat in my bathroom this morning (yes, I like to drop a deuce and surf the internet) and kept clicking the “Make a Slogan” button repeatedly. There were a few times where I literally laughed out loud. What was really great about laughing out loud like that, is I was also wonderfully gassy. My neighbors probably heard an interesting sound coming from below them, “hahaha!!!! brrrrrrrrrap!” Yeah, I’m sure they heard it, I had some awesome assplosions this morning.
Anyway, I took some screenshots and wanted to share them with you. I figured, why not? Right? Maybe I will start using some of these in the bar. Maybe I will get new business cards printed with my name and one of these slogans. It could happen. I already have one business card that says I am the Master of the Known Universe and All Administrative Services; why not have another that proclaims some off the wall slogan about me?
Okay, so here we go with the slogans.
Mmmm…“Delicious and Refreshing, Mikey.” Sounds pretty damn accurate to me. I am pretty delicious (probably because I eat a lot of bacon, bacon is so fucking delicious, it has to make me more delicious right?) and I have a refreshing way about me. I make people feel relaxed and fill them with laughter. Because of this, I probably give them new found energy so they may greet the day that lays before them. If that is not refreshing, I don’t know what is.
Yes! Enjoy the difference! I am quite different than a lot of people you will meet. Because of this, I am a novel person to be around, I bring so much to the table that you will not find at all the other tables you sit at. I’m like when you go on exchange and stay with some family in india and they decide they’re going to have a Thanksgiving Dinner for you because you’re not able to get home for Turkey Day. You sit at the table, and you’re like, “fuck, where’s the pumpkin pie….this is pretty fucking different.” But then you’re eating delicious Indian food and you don’t care that you don’t have any turkey, you’re enjoying the difference. So come on, “Mikey – Enjoy the Difference.”
“Nail it with Mikey” Yeah…Yeah……..Really, yeah. It just makes sense. I mean, anyone that knows me knows that I am a sexual deviant and quite possibly a womanizer. If you’re going to be nailing something, you’re probably nailing it with Mikey. Haha. Maybe this one is a message to the ladies? Perhaps it is a message directly to their vaginas? Hey, vaginas, need something nailed? Nail it with Mikey! Yeah. That works.
Yeah, with a name like mine, you know you’re getting some good service. Mikey’s are just good people. There are a lot of us for a reason. That reason you ask? Psh, easy, who wouldn’t want to be Mikey? Here’s a slogan for you (not one that I got off of the slogan maker): Wouldn’t You like to be a Mikey too? Yeah, I now I stole that shit for Dr. Pepper, but so what. It makes more sense when it is filled with Mikey. Just like the ladies…(did I just take that too far?)
It is time. Yes, I know that a lot of these are pretty sexual sounding. Why do you think that I picked them? I love sex, I love sex jokes, and I love talking about sex. Of course there is going to be a good number of sexual slogans when it comes to advertising me. Plus, I’m good at sex! Why not throw that out there in a slogan? Plus, if you’ve not tasted Mikey, you really should. He’s pretty fucking sweet (also, I really need to stop talking about myself in the third person…though, if I do become a brand maybe that would be kind of funny).
Yeah, I am always ready. Also, I am always Mikey. I just feel pretty Mikeyesque all the time. It is a good way to feel. If you have not felt what it is to be a Mikey, I really feel for you. You really should now the exultant joy that comes with being Mikey. There is a problem though, with being a Mikey. There is a lot of pressure that can be put on you to be as awesome as Mikey’s need to be. So, if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen my friends. I’d hate to see y’all be burned up by the intense hotness that is Mikeydom.
You know what, I am the real obsession too. I know that sounds conceited, but let me explain. I. Love. Myself. I am totally obsessed. So yes, I am conceited and it is what works for me. If you feel the need to be obsessed though, just come on by, I am sure I could deal with a little more attention.
Day 541 – Tentacle Pornography
Hey! So, I got really bored during my lunch hour today and a little bit weird. A friend of mine has been talking about porn. Apparently she had a little meet-and-greet at her apartment this weekend and they all watched a lot of porn. Through discussion on Facebook and some other comments my brain started working on something. I made a tentacle porn joke, and then BAM!!!! It hit me. I should draw tentacle porn!
So far, I have drawn six little pieces of tentacle pornography. I am really proud of them. Some are a little more trashy, and some are really classy. I figured I should give you all a chance to see the wonderful work that is Mikey’s tentacle porn!
This is your classic doggy style pornography. You see this style often on the internet, including in your typical tentacle porn. One thing that you will notice in this piece is that it is a little more on the rough side of porn. Some may say it is a little too violent towards the female tentacle. However, it is widely known that tentacles are both male and female, ohh yes, they are asexual. Because of the asexual nature of the tentacles, there is no violence towards one gender or the other and therefore does not objectify females. Also, it is only violent against the one tentacle seeing as the tentacle asked to have it’s hair pulled.
In this piece, I decided to show that sometimes pornography is not always “sexy”. Some tentacles may find this to be highly erotic, however, for the most part there is not a high number of tentacles with shower-cap fetishes. Studies have shown that most tentacles find shower-caps on their partners to be not only offensive, but extremely idiotic seeing as very few tentacles have hair to protect.
Here we are delving a little deeper into the “freaky” area of tentacle pornography. Most humans would not care to see tentacle porn of this nature because they do not like to see multiple holes being abused in this way at the same time. However, I must point out that many tentacles love this type of pornography because it shows the beautiful asexuality of the tentacle species.
Here we have a classic move that human beings know as the sixty-nine. Tentacles have a one-up on human’s with this position because of their extreme flexibility. I did not show it here, but those tentacles that are into such things are perfectly able to practice analingus on each other simultaneously. The reason I did not show that here is because many human beings are disturbed by the idea of analingus and I did not want to disturb that part of my audience. Now, I have to point out here, tentacles are very open about their sexuality and their preferences, also they do not have an extremely high number of taboo sexual subjects and analingus falls into the area of completely acceptable.
One thing to note about this next piece is that tentacles do not ejaculate. In some tentacle pornography that you will find online, you may see a tentacle ejaculate; this is nothing but movie magic. As we all know, in tentacle pornography you see ejaculate come out of the tip of the tentacle, however, the tip of actual tentacles does not spray as such (unless of course the tentacle is overly drunk, sick, or has certain gastrointestinal disorders; i.e. they are vomiting). That is why this piece really falls more into the joke, or pin-up art area. You will probably never see a “creampie” in real tentacle pornography.
Speaking of pin-up art, this next piece is just that. I wanted to show with this piece that tentacles do not have to be dirty or extreme in pornography. Tentacles can be beautiful and sexy as well as erotic. I think that this piece shows that they are just that.
So there you have it. I think that I have shown that tentacles are very diverse in their sexual abilities. I hope that you have enjoyed this little article showing the different ways that tentacles can be sexy and erotic. If you would like to know more about tentacle sexuality, please feel free to leave a comment. I would love to hear what you are all interested in when it comes to tentacle sexuality and really look forward to answering your questions.
As most people in this world I have way too many interests. I say most because I think that people that are in comas only have one interest and that is for people to shut up 'cause they're trying to sleep...okay that was kind of fucked up. They probably want to wake up as much as we want them to. And for those of you that have friends or family members or are just really self-righteously opinionated:
TrueNuff
